I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
