I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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