A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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