Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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