my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
