youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
