I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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