He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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