it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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