Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
