omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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