Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
