I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
