He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
