why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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