I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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