She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
