apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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