She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
