Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
