Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize