So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
