Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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