Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
