Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
