my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
