so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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