im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You are a booty call, not a friend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
