Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
