Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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