even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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