I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize