I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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