I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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