I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
