my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize