The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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