i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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