getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
