Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
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