I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
