If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
