It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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