I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
