very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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