i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
