my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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