I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
