I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize