dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
