The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize