My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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