i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
