i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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