Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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